제 8 호 The Grand Prize of 40th English Essay Contest: The Weight of "A"
Kicker: The Grand Prize of 40th English Essay Contest
The weight of ‘A’
by Min-ki Hong,
Film and Video student
My life seems to have a sort of a cycle that starts with full of confidence and ends with self reflection. The cycle is repeated on a two-year basis. For instance, two years of myself as a freshman, two years of me as a soldier and two years of myself right now. These days, I found what makes this repetition compulsion. It was none other than the weight of ‘A’.
My life as a twenty years old and being a university student meant a lot to me. So I tried to suck everything surrounded by me like a calf which is a minute old. I tried to absorb even pathetic things like the aesthetics of barley fermentation in a beer that we drank in ‘MiniStop Convi’. Pretending to be an intellectual made me feel great about myself. Evenmore witnessing marching of A’s without much effort made me realize a lot of students in university do not study that much like when they were in high school. And then I started to feel like I could understand something about my major, cinema, or something in my life and the world itself.
My life seemed finally set free. ‘Veriotas vos liverabit’, like this phrase from John’s Gospel from the New Testament, I felt like the truth did set me free. However truth was never willing to tell me what it really was. Like the protagonist in the movie “Old Boy”, I thought I could have my revenge on the antagonist. But I still couldn’t know what actually really happened.
Even after I joined the army for my mandatory military service, I kept struggling for recognition. For instance, to be useful for this organization, I tried to get a ‘1st class warrior’ title. ‘1st class warrior’ was simply given to those who run fast, and shoot well. It meant the same as the A’s that I got at university. I had been obsessed with visible letters that keep me arrogant, that give me recognition of myself, that justify me. I struggled for those letters, divine and also shallow letters. I can be enlightened or a killing machine with those letters.
My life of 4 years after twenty years olds shows a pattern of itself clearly. First I get ‘A’ or ‘1st class’ that defines me, then I’m obsessed with it and struggle to get it, then get an ‘A’ again that means nothing and also means everything.
But at some point of coming back to society from the army, I realized that I actually know nothing. Can I be someone who I always wished for? Does really ‘A’ Define me what I am? I felt like not having any talent or knowledge about my major or anything. All this knowledge that I thought I understood was not. Everything I learned for four years was common knowledge to recognize myself as one small prospective student. After this certain feeling, I felt like becoming a little elementary school kid who sat down in front of the piano to learn a Czerny 60. Feeling of facing a wall that never can get over. That’s what I feel about my major right now.
My life may be full of shameful regrets; however, I don’t want to blame myself. I want to blame a shallow alphabet that made a fool of me. That letter gave me an intense narcissism and a conviction about rewards from trying hard. ‘A’ gave me a sourceless hope, but it gave me endless depression too. All those cycles that I experienced was from the weight of A. I never earned those letters. Professors and commanders gave me that. How did they measure it? Were they aware that A would be heavy to someone who tries hard? Or did they give it away as a cheap condolence?
My life is now centered on the fact that I need to measure how heavy A is exactly. To me, ‘A’ is still heavy. But not as a seal of approval of knowing something, It is heavy as a burden that forces me to be arrogant and also that forces me to overcome conceit to get a truth. I need to struggle again to overcome ‘A’, not to get an ‘A’.
My life’s repetition of compulsion has to be ended with this stance of mind. I don’t want to be arrogant anymore and feel regret about this. I should get away from the visible letters pressing me down. I might be in vain without those letters. But also I can be free because nothing can justify me without myself. I need to walk towards salvation or truth, not recognition.
